The
Missing Link
by Siu Wai Stroshane
"I see the child I used to be when I look into the glass,
My mother's eyes, the light
of China.
Where is she now, so many years gone by?
Does she gaze into store windows, all alone with her dreams?"
Nearly 44 years ago, I was born in Hong Kong and placed in an orphanage
at the age of 3 months. These simple facts have dominated my thoughts and
feelings all my life. You'd think that in ripe middle age, I'd be beyond
wondering, but for some reason, certain questions just won't go away. I've
explored them through my writings and songs, trying to pin down why I still feel
so incomplete.
It's as if my origins have a missing link, like Darwin's ape-men. Where
did I come from? Where is my mother now? (I don't waste much time wondering
about my father--he dumped her when he found out she was pregnant.)
She was a waitress in Hong Kong, but how did she get there? Was she a
rebel, running away from parents who wanted to sell her or marry her off to
someone odious? Or did the whole family flee from
the Communists, as so many did in those days?
They say my mother kept me for a few weeks after I was born, then left me
with a foster mother and disappeared forever. That tells she at least tried to
take care of me, but the burden was too much. I always wonder what became of
her. Did she go back to the mainland, broken in spirit or made stronger by her
sad experiences? Did she commit suicide, out of shame? Or did she eventually
emigrate to the U.S. and make a successful new life for herself? I wonder if
I've passed her in the street without even knowing it.
"Sometimes on the street, I think I see your face
Do
you gaze into store windows, all alone with your dreams?"
I wish I could tell her she's a grandmother. Until I had my 2 kids,
I never knew anyone who was related to me. No stories of "You look
just like your Aunt Susie," or "You've got your father's talent for
music." I wasn't even sure I was human! I'm happy to report that my kids
are normal and even wonderful (most of the time.) We are the missing link to the
ancestral family in China, whom I doubt we'll
ever find, despite the wonders of the Internet.
In my song, "Light of China," I imagine my mother's life today.
Children or no children? Husband or no husband? Surely she remembers me, the
girl child of her youth. Does she ever wonder what became of me?
"And I will look for you, so many miles away
For your eyes, the light of China."
Ma, it eases my soul to sing this song, even if you can't hear me. On
this Valentine's Day, I sing this song of love,
for you had the courage to give me a chance for a better life.
Siu
Wai Stroshane
swstroshane@cs.com